Hi guys! Time to get another post up, and keep myself accountable to blogging more… which I’m super happy to be doing! I am going to share an entry that I wrote while was in treatment, and focused on recovery. For me writing this all down helped me to clear a lot of doubt up and really jump fully on board with my recovery because it made me realize I wanted life. It’s strange to go back and re-read the things I wrote, and this one particularly caught me and I found myself both reliving the ED thoughts and also truly grateful for how far I’ve come. I’m not perfect, nor do I intend to be with my recovery but the progress is amazing. After all, progress is a process. Healing takes A LOT of time and an equal amount of patience.
* Disclaimer: if you have or are currently struggling with an eating disorder, please read this post at your own discretion. *
“When his voice pops into my head I feel vulnerable. He isn’t real but he is also my best friend along with my worst enemy. The manifestations inside of my brain are a complete madness. The voice which leads me to follow down the path of habitual maladaptive and self-destructive behaviors. It’s a complete psychosis. All I’m trying to do is prove myself to the voice inside of my head. It’s pathetic. I’ve convinced myself time and time again that my loved ones are against me because they don’t understand why I do the things I do. I think I’m right. But after all it isn’t about right or wrong. It’s about living or not living.
Recovery is messy, but relapse is deadly. In recovery the voice partly subsides. It’s weaker. Your now not completely starving. Memories begin to feel more like imaginations, almost as if the eating disorder doesn’t actually exist and you haven’t played around on the fine line of life and death for the past however many years. But you have to remember that’s a lie and you did. Then you question yourself. Was I really in that deep. Did I actually do that to my body, my soul, my life. I know it happened but it feels so surreal. Almost as if it’s someone else’s story that I heard before. My mind doesn’t want to remember the past. The pain. The struggle. It wants to make it better.
Then you remember. What’s worse than remembering the truth is that your mind begins to feel the same way as when your head was in the toilet or as when you could count with your fingers what you consumed last week. It’s sick. But it wasn’t that bad, right? Your mind is lying, you didn’t almost die. It wasn’t as bad as everyone tells you. After all, they don’t know. Being in that mindset was an adventure. It was pure excitement. Intoxicating, exhilarating, and thrilling. It made you feel like you ruled the entire world. A false sense of perception of how things were. A false sense of how the disorder actually made you better. You want it back. Now you either relapse or you snap yourself out.
Being triggered doesn’t always last long. It can also be gradual. Maybe you’re now nourished and have been taught to change this thought pattern. Perhaps it isn’t appealing anymore. But maybe it is. Maybe you relapse.
The insanity within an eating disorder is madness. It’s unshakeable. There is always the perpetual sense of complete failure.”
Reading this was a wake up call big time. I consider myself well into my recovery and miles away from my worst. I’m beyond grateful for my body and it’s ability to keep with me through all the self-destructive things I put it through. I’m thankful for the support, and the experience. The ability to walk away a better version of myself. The understanding I now have. The purpose I have found for my life. It has been a process and one that I’m not close to done with yet nor probably will ever be. But these days I don’t constantly worry about relapse, because I now trust myself. That alone is huge. That feeling alone is worth recovery.
Remember, you have the choice to go after recovery. The universe is waiting for you. When you are ready it will be ready.
“May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds.” – Edward Abbey