Hey guys! Back on the blog today with a post that will hopefully light a fire under some of you. That’s the goal.
First off… it’s Tuesday. My day so far has been on the productive side – breakfast and coffee, lifting session, genetics quiz, read a chapter for my genetics class tomorrow, created a playlist for my group ex class tonight, more coffee (with butta), fresh pressed blog post… All before 9:30am, I’m taking that and running with it. My last post was a brief check-in with you guys.. I talked about how my school schedule was all messed around last minute and that after some time with feeling like ‘what’s the point’ I got my sh*t together and jumped back on the bandwagon. Thumbs up to that. I’ll be completely honest here, I’m so glad I have a semi-easy semester. I found myself somewhat apprehensive to admit to that and have since said to myself “so what”, everyone, and I mean everyone, needs a break in the hecticness of life at one point or another. School isn’t easy, it’s worth it (for me), but that doesn’t automatically make it a walk in the park.
On a side note, my favorite part of school definitely is my ability to write the smallest, neatest notes. Insert all the sarcasm.
SOOOO, self limitation. Self sabotage. Working against yourself. Whatever wording I just listed hits you the hardest – go with it. Boy is that a concept. It’s also something most people do on the regular, whether or not they are actually aware of it. It’s hard not to. We are brought up in a society that tells us as children that well, we are amazing and can do whatever we set our minds to. Which if you ask me, that’s great. But what’s not so great is that as kids get older the support and the “you’re the greatest” start to leave the scene, and rather quickly. We end up with young adults who are trying to find their life path and also simultaneously being bombarded from every angle with messages about how to be richer, prettier, skinnier, how to succeed, how not to succeed, what you’re doing wrong, why you’re not X/Y/Z, how to be “healthy”, and the list goes on an on. Then of course there are the more important things like actually being a responsible adult, having and maintaining a job, college, graduate school, starting a family, ect. It’s a lot of pressure, so it’s natural for people to be hard on themselves and doubt their abilities. Things cost money, it’s easy to question if something is worth it and subsequently talk yourself out of things. It seems safer to go with the flow of society rather than carving you’re own path. Note I said ‘safer’ not ‘easier’.
What we are not taught? How to listen to our inner fire and let go of our inner critic. Now that’s a concept worth actually pursing.
Lately I have found myself all up in negative Nancy’s space. For real though, when I say I was having an anxiety attack on a daily basis… I’m not kidding. It was bad. There was a lot of crying. There was a lot of questioning of “what the heck am I doing?!”, “why do I feel like this?”, “why can’t I be happy?” Then it hit me. I’m not happy because I don’t allow myself to be happy. I find myself just going through the motions, following directions, trying to please everybody. That right there, that isn’t living.
I’m not perfect. I have my issues. But the more I think about my life and where I’ve been and where I hope to go the more I realize that I need to be a proponent of my life, my goals, my dreams, and ultimately myself as a human being. I can’t be against them if I want to achieve them. Heads up Sarah, you can’t please everybody and quite frankly trying is probably going to drive you off the deep end.
I quoted myself last night on Facebook:
“The one thing I have learned over the years is that it’s best not to run from your demons. Running from the negative doesn’t typically create a positive. It creates a void, a void that most people don’t know how to work with. Instead, work without them, accept them, be at peace with them, and if you really must – use them… but, don’t let them use you.” –me 🙂
I don’t know how to work with that void, and lately I’ve been trying to. I have been trying to work with that void since I got out of treatment in 2013. I kept telling myself that I could just drop that part of my life and pick myself up and be a’ok and good to keep on trucking. That’s not the case. Maybe it is for some people, and that’s fabulous, but maybe it’s not. Maybe you work with what you have and who you are. Pursue your goals, listen to your inner fire, but don’t run away from who you used to be or what you have done. It’s the past. It’s part of life. Accept, be at peace, move on. Work without it, don’t run away. Now, there is another take home message. Learning how to work without something without actively running from it. That folks, is being at peace.
Everyone has their story, and each story is different. My story, the real short three sentence version is that I’m a work in progress and I’m learning to work with myself rather than against myself. I’m working on listening to my fire because that is what makes me thrive, even if that means doing things my own way against what society calls “normal”. As the above image says, “…my life has already almost slipped away from me…”, past-tense, but it has, and if I managed my way through that you damn well be sure I’m going to figure out a way to do things my way, and to keep following that fire.
We’re all different in our methods. But what is a shared truth: work with your fire, not against it.