Writing: Sarah Thoughts #4

Hey folks!

It’s currently Saturday evening and after a week that felt like a year I’m wanting to post something on the blog. Today is for sharing some of my writing from a couple months ago. It’s a topic I’ve been thinking A LOT about this week, especially as it pertains to my concern/worry/desire to help individuals in early stages of recovery trying to navigate literally everything right at the moment.

The world is different right now, as we all know, are aware of, and feel. Life is entirely different than it was a few weeks ago, even a week ago.

My quick update is: I’m safe, ok, and grateful to be able to distance myself almost entirely. My part-time work is currently closed, and employees are being paid for the time being under the companies emergency pay policy. I’m currently living ALONE alone as the landlords are gone. Keeping myself busy and entertained with walks from home (SOOOOOOO blessed to be able to do this and live in a rural area), started a YouTube channel, lots of jump roping around the apartment, and reading.

I hope you are all safe, healthy, and ok ♥

Now for sharing some writing:

Trauma.
This is something that until recently I didn’t consciously draw into my story or my existence.
While subconsciously it was present from a young age,
there can often be a disconnect between subconscious and conscious.
A space between knowing and being ready to know and explore.

This area is the space between an event and us being ready to at least semi tackle the unpackaging of this event.

Trauma can be SO many things.
Try not to box it or box yourself into it.
Let it be a word that exists,
something you/a friend/significant other/loved one may have gone through.

When someone has experienced an event that was traumatic in nature,
it contributes in some way to their being.
It plays a role.
It’s part of the persons story.
It DOES NOT define them.
It will never define them.
It will never define me because I refuse to allow it to.

We are not defined by one aspect of our lives but rather each component, characteristic, personality trait, interest, passion, experience, etc. and all of these combined.

Every little and big thing plays a role.
Try not to diminish the roles of each puzzle piece,
because after all they are all puzzle pieces and each piece is essential to figure out the puzzle.

As I begin to unpack my own experience with trauma I am learning new things about myself, my story, and my needs.
I am learning better, more ideal ways to nurture myself.
Ways to help myself move forward.
Ways to support myself.
I am essentially tending to my inner child in the ways my inner child was never tended to.

After 6.5 years in remission from anorexia nervosa I am becoming consciously aware of a puzzle piece that has been a portion of my story since before the start of my eating disorder at age 11 that I was not until recently consciously aware of.

THIS.SHIT.TAKES.TIME.

I am a firm believer that things come to the table when we are ready to take them on.
1, 2, 3 years ago – I wasn’t ready.
Maybe mentally I was ready but spiritually I wasn’t.
I am now ready.
I am terrified, floored, scared, and uneasy – but I am ready.

For me, ready doesn’t always mean game face. It might…
But it might mean isolating, dialing back, becoming quiet, going hermit mode, drawing into my core self to try and be there for the parts of me that I do understand fully because those parts need attention right now.

Please, give yourself grace.
Pat yourself on the back.
Give yourself a hug.
Reach out to someone if you are able to.
Cut yourself some slack.
I promise, you will find the puzzle pieces one by one.

And you are absolutely strong enough to put them together and work through the process.

Sarah Thoughts: Finding Your Compass

We are all unique.
We all have our talents,
our interests,
things that light us up inside,
and our own perceptions of the world.

Nobody fits into a mold.
Well… people might try to fit into a mold,
yet it probably doesn’t feel very good inside.
I know it didn’t for me.

There was a period in my life where I cared way too much about what everybody thought,
I seeked external validation,
and I prioritized my life based on how much external validation I received.

T H I S
I S
N O T
L I V I N G

Placing internal validation at the base of my pyramid of needs,
this is what has made my body and my mind feel like home.
I don’t feel like I’m living outside of myself anymore.

I’m not perfect and I still have a lot of work to do but pivoting into a place where I seek internal validation versus external validation has been one of the greatest turning points in my own personal growth and ultimately fulfillment in life.
Healing and growing into a stronger and more capable version of myself is what I am finding.

Don’t get me wrong, this is all incredibly terrifying.
It’s painful.
It’s reaching into the deepest part of your soul and talking to it.

I have no clue what I’m doing,
I’m just trying to follow my internal compass.
I’m doing my best to listen to the internal cues that say “yes”,
and not feel guilty for saying “no”.
I’m literally learning as I go,
there’s no guidebook,
or rulebook,
or even a roadmap that I can find on the Internet.

It’s all new, every single day.
While it gets more familiar and easy to act on,
the whole listening to your internal cues, it’s scary.
Terrifying.
Mind boggling.

But, it’s so worth it.
And I would never go back to external validation because I do finally feel at home with myself,
even on the bad days.

It’s a feeling that I never felt when seeking fulfillment outside of myself.
I feel like I’m a better person, friend, daughter, worker, mentor, trainer, and a better human.

Healing

Healing is like an onion –
you logically know there are many layers,
but you only really see the outer layer,
the one that’s visible.
Only when the outer layer is taken off are the inner layers fully exposed.

Throughout my own journey of healing,
I’ve learned how key it is to tackle one layer at a time.
To tackle the layer that I’m ready to tackle, or most ready.
Real talk, I’m never raising my hand saying “let’s go I’m totally ready to tackle this.”
But I sure as hell am raising my hand saying “come at me I know I can do this.”

With each layer comes a deeper understanding of your being.
More acceptance.
More love.
More respect.
Each layer brings you an awareness that is deeper than you ever consciously experienced before.

Each layer represents a piece your story,
the story that makes you, well, you.
Each layer requires time and patience (and probably some crying).

While tackling each layer may feel like pushing up a boulder,
you can push it up.
You will push it up.

And when you do,
you’ll look back at it and be like:
“I did that and I can take on the next one too.”

Mountain therapy

Hey folks!

Today I’m just writing, expressing my thoughts and general feelings about how the mountains provide a sense of therapy for my soul and my being. Mountains in the sense of hiking, mountain running, snowboarding, and honestly hands down just being in the mountainous areas of New Hampshire (note: yes, I just used some form of the word “mountain” three times in one sentence). There is a specific series of feelings I experience when in the wilderness. They are nearly in-explainable, but I’m going to try and replicate them here.

I’m free.
I’m not, but I am.
I’m trying to be.
I feel it.
In my bones, being, soul.

I feel free.
At ease.
I feel like everything is in order, taken care of, checked off the infamous to-do list.

I don’t think about anything other than the moment at hand.
Those hours, minutes, seconds.
They are real.
Raw.
They exist.

I’m breathing: deeply, consistently.
Inhale. Exhale.
I feel my lungs full up with air, diaphragm expand.
Alive.

Suddenly, I have a flashback of when I didn’t feel alive.
When I felt like the world might end or that my world was ending.
I remember, vividly, to a time where I didn’t see hope or worth in my existence.

It fades as quickly as it came.

I’m walking.
Step by step.
It’s been a mile or two or ten.
I feel like I just started the hike or the adventure for the day.
Hours have passed.
My brain is in the zone.

Nothing is wrong.
I feel good, safe.
In flow.
Everything will be ok.

My mind wanders back to those thoughts of unease that arose before.
But, they aren’t uneasy or hopeless.
They just exist.
Simply, they are there.

The current flow and state of feeling like my world is together mends the wounds.
I feel alive.
I feel ok.
I trust myself.

Breathing, in and out.

I trust myself.
I know I can do whatever it is that my mind is thinking about, processing.

The world doesn’t feel so heavy.
It almost doesn’t exist.
The flow state, mentally I’m lost in that.
Everything seems to move so slowly but so quickly.

I’m moving through space.
walking.
breathing,
I’m moving forward.

My entire past and history and story is at my damn fingertips ready to fight.

But,
it doesn’t need to.

I don’t need my strength of shutting myself down or shutting the world out.

I am alive.
I feel good.
Everything is ok.
I don’t need my history or my past skillset.
It’s there.
It’s part of me.
I don’t need it in this moment.

I need this.
This as in where I’m currently at.

I need the mountains.
The wilderness.
The forest.
The fresh air.

I need the space.
The quiet.
The time with my humanness.

I am alive in these seconds, hours, days.
They transpire into all over parts of my life.
My motives become one.
My existence has a common purpose.
I no longer have any desire to take myself out.

I just am.
I am me.
I’ll continue on my path,
whatever that may be.

Everything feels ok.
I keep moving,
breathing,
existing,
feeling.

Everything is right there underneath my skin.

But, for a series of moments, hours, days,
I am free.