Today I thought I would keep things simple and share some pictures from this past week with you! It’s been an overall good week here. Seacoast New Hampshire has officially received its first snowfall of the season and the mountains are becoming more and more narnia-esque. I enjoyed some saddle time today, riding through leftover slush and snowmelt from yesterday’s storm! With the thermometer reading 44 degrees this afternoon, this is the highest the temperature will likely hit for a while now with looking at the extended forecast. Bye bye warmth! I’ll be frolicking in the mountains tomorrow and am looking forward to lots of snow, but for now I leave you with local adventures:
“Feelings come and feelings go. There is no need to fear them and no need to crave them. Be open to your feelings and experience them while they are here. Then be open to the feelings that will come next. Your feelings are a part of your experience. Yet no mere feeling, however intense it may seem, is your permanent reality.” ― Ralph Marston
I’m here. Alive. Kicking. The stress fracture is healed and I’m healing/working through the soft tissue crud that comes along with overuse. It’s been a long summer. I worked and took multiple classes – sports and performance psychology, cognitive psychology, and abnormal psychology (this one actually is still going, finishes September 1st!), in addition to the usual frolicking up mountains and casually lifting weights. Fall classes start today and I have a unique semester ahead (I’ll get into this). Overall, it was a good summer. I had a TON of realizations, experienced a lot of feels and definitely grew as a person (depth, comfort zone, aka the tough stuff).
Okay, so let’s delve a bit deeper, shall we?
The stress fracture. It’s healed. It was a long couple of months, taking time off from running/hiking/kickboxing/lower body lifting (except non weight bearing… e.g leg ext, hamstring curls, GHD, monster walks – which btw, NEVER EVER get easier), and partaking in usual physical therapy, massages, stretching, and RESTING. But, I’m happy that it was just a stress fracture and I only had to take a couple of months off. In the big picture, this isn’t the end of the freaking universe. I lived despite thinking I was going to spontaneously combust out of lack of endorphins and anxiousness. I learned that I can take time to heal and that this is 100% entirely acceptable and even welcomed by my body. I learned that just because I am injured and “out” for a bit doesn’t mean I will never be back. It doesn’t mean I can’t continue to fuel my body. It doesn’t mean I will become un-fit or un-healthy. All the injury actually meant – it was a wake up call.
I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. This could be because I’ve done enough questionable stuff in my life that I need a solid explanation for (running head on into a tree I was just sitting against (it was night time mind you), having a stress fracture and relapsing and then having another one and relapsing again (2008/2012), spontaneously signing up for an ultramarathon in 2011 and falling in love with the sport/community, changing majors to then change back again, quitting a job to then go back because they are actually super awesome/flexible with school, ect.). We learn from what we go through. We GROW through what we go through. Anyways, I’m going off on a tangent… Everything happens for a reason. I got injured for a reason. It took a lot to process this one and it took even more to not fall back entirely into my eating disorder because this is the first injury in my life (since ED) that I haven’t severely struggled with ED behaviors because of the uncertainty and unshakable sense of fear with being injured. My ED is a coping mechanism, a shitty and maladaptive one, but a coping mechanism nonetheless. Exercise is also a coping mechanism, a better one, but still inextricably meshed with the ED. This is why, in the past, I’ve flip-flopped back and forth. Exercise, injury, relapse, repeat.
This time was different.
Simply put, I’m more removed from my ED (in terms of years out of treatment), I have better coping mechanisms, closer relationships/a different social life, and I am more self-aware/confident in my abilities and trusting my judgement even when my judgement tells me to ask for help/to reach out to my closest homies. I also attribute some of the business with summer classes and keeping myself busy to be helpful in the healing process.
I will do an entire post detailing this process (might vlog?! we will see). Ultimately though, this time was different because my circumstances were different, my outlook was different, and my introspective abilities are stronger. Additionally, I think that now at 24 versus 15-20 years old, I have entirely different experience with the world. Don’t get me wrong, I had those nasty thoughts rearing their heads and they were loud as loud can be. I stumbled a bit a couple weeks into the injury, specifically once I learned it was a stress fracture and not “just” a sprain. But I’m learning how to take care of myself rather than destroy myself. I decided that my long-term health is more important than my short-term ability to feel in control (not to make it sound like an easy choice… it isn’t… it’s incredibly difficult and takes YEARS to accept). Heck I still haven’t fully accepted it but the majority is in favor of wellbeing.
Until I blog… vlog. Until I discuss details, I’ll be keeping myself busy with school. SO what constitutes a “unique semester”? Well, my course-load is a follows: online general education course (environmental change), ASL 1, capstone (senior project) which is TA/independent study for psychobiology, and then TA/independent study for sports nutrition (working towards nutrition minor). I’m honestly pumped. While I am petrified of learning a language, it will be a good change of pace, interesting, a helpful skillset, and eye-opening.
This was a longer update than I had anticipated so I’m going to close the curtains on this post. I also want to go eat lunch before heading back to campus for the TA positions 😉
“Don’t let the expectations and opinions of other people affect your decisions. It’s your life, not theirs. Do what matters most to you; do what makes you feel alive and happy. Don’t let the expectations and ideas of others limit who you are. If you let others tell you who you are, you are living their reality — not yours. There is more to life than pleasing people. There is much more to life than following others’ prescribed path. There is so much more to life than what you experience right now. You need to decide who you are for yourself. Become a whole being. Adventure.” Roy T. Bennett
Hey kids! Happy Saturday 🙂 I’m currently writing this post at work… so there’s that. Perks of working the front desk at a gym I suppose, being paid to blog and do homework – just finished up my stats homework prior to deciding to write a post!
In my last post I told you guys that I’m changing things up in terms of fitness and goals around competing (more specifically, what I hope to compete in again). I’ve moved from a solid strength and lifting focus blended with some endurance work to really structuring my workouts to become the best endurance athlete that me and my body can be. I’ll be getting into more detail about what exactly I’m doing at the end of this post (so scroll down if you literally just want to see how I workout… but that’s only half the fun).
Quote from my last post to lay the format for this current one: “You can push until you can’t push anymore, but if the energy which drives the engine is negative, anxious, depressed, over-worked, stressed, and unsure deep down then the engine will only produce so much force before something breaks down. Our greatest goals cannot be forced.” This sums up my feelings about getting back into running and focusing on that aspect of my life versus pursing anything else especially at if it’s going to be from a competitive angle.
I know for me, lifting helps my running tremendously – the answer lies in the capacity in which I’m lifting (e.g quantity vs. quality and then taking intensity into consideration). Running now compared to running in 2011/12 feels light years different – I feel SO MUCH stronger endurance wise, my engine is bigger. This is likely twofold: 1. increased capacity due to being just stronger in general from lifting, and 2. prioritizing self-care.
I’ve found that there are a set few characteristics from previous programs I’ve followed (which were strength based) that I’ll still implement. I like the set up that I’ve been using for legit forever of 5 weeks “on” and 1 week “off”, off meaning deload. I’m going to keep using this with lifting. It works super well for my body in that I feel like I’m staying healthy, not over-doing it, and able to then rest and repeat on the gain train. The only difference between now and past is my goals with having weightlifting be part of my weekly routine: then it was gaining as much strength as possible, now it’s maintaining, stabilizing, and increasing muscle endurance. Additionally, I’ve shifted from lifting four days a week (deadlift day, bench day, leg and accessory day, press day) to three days (see below). Frankly, I DO NOT NEED to lift four days a week if my focus isn’t there. Also, the more frequency the more risk for over-taxing and that just isn’t worth the risk. As mileage increases with running I will likely move to two days per week as/when needed!
Definitely going to be a trail and error so to speak for a little bit as I get back into the endurance world. That’s ok, it will be a real-life research experiment on my own physical capacity. I kind of dig it.
Ok, enough with the novel… can you tell I like to really delve into things and explain them? 😉 Onto what I do inside and outside of the gym!
lift (lower body) capped at 60 minutes
cross training endurance in the form of cardio kickboxing #yassss
run – 45-60 minutes
lift (split – upper and lower body) capped at 120 minutes
run – 30-45 minutes
HIIT/cross train (usually come up with a workout on my own – I LOVE programming metabolic conditioning workouts… Or I’ll find a metcon on crossfit website that isn’t super taxing but which gets my HR elevated and blood flowing for a bit). Working different energy systems and challenging myself in ways other than longer cardio workouts!
hike or snowboard or easy recovery run
lift (upper) capped at 60 minutes
run – 45-60 minutes
Right now my mileage is on the lower side, I’m getting my body used to running consistently again and using a slow and steady approach to this. I find that if I go completely gung-ho my body has a bit of a hissy-fit and ain’t nobody got time for that. Not like I signed up for a 50 mile ultra in five weeks so the slow and steady approach will work just fine. Ideally I’m looking at getting back into racing in May (25k, errrr 15.5 miles) and then July-August for anything of substantial distance. I’m in this for the long run. Endurance stuff speaks to me in a way that lifting doesn’t. It’s my zone.
“Don’t let a day go by without asking who you are…each time you let a new ingredient to enter your awareness.” – Deepak Chopra
This post could also be titled, “that fitness thing: round two”… If you’ve been a reader for some time now you might remember a post back during the summer titled “that fitness thing”, I talked about my routine at that point and gave insight into what I was doing inside the gym. If you don’t remember or you’re a new reader (hello!) , that’s a-ok because that post is history.
Let me explain.
Lifting is an integral part of my life. I LOVE it. I feel strong, powerful, capable, and in the zone when I’m lifting. It focuses me. It helps me push myself and grow. It’s therapeutic and is a great method for getting some angst and extra energy out. But that’s “it”. For the longest time I tried to convince myself that I wanted to focus on lifting from a competitive angle. That I should be competing because, well, I can lift a good amount for my size. As someone who has been on and off involved in competitive sports since age 5, convincing me or me convincing myself to pursue that isn’t much of a challenge. I’ll accept quite easily.
The challenge lies in truly gaining my interest. Sure, I might absolutely be head over heels for something (e.g lifting), but there is a very big difference between loving something and wanting to pursue it competitively. It’s deeper than it may seem too… isn’t everything in life? It’s not just wanting to pursue it competitively, it’s trusting myself. I was an endurance athlete. Why did I all of a sudden begin to pursue a strength sport? I mean, that happens, it’s not uncommon. It seemed legit to me. I was missing something though, while I was lifting lifting and more lifting I was still going to kickboxing, doing metabolic workouts, running – I couldn’t give that up. I didn’t want to give it up. On the other hand, I knew that I wanted so badly to compete again. I felt very confused during this time. Stuck in a place which while it was working for me… it wasn’t really working for me.
The truth of the matter is: I want lifting to be the thing which helps me be a stronger endurance athlete. It’s my therapy. It keeps me grounded, centered, and balanced. As of right now I don’t want to pursue it competitively.
In my last post I talked about why I love running. After a bunch of events in 2011 and 2012 I dealt with a handful of injuries from a combination of over-training, under recovering, and still dealing with a subtle grip of my eating issues. I stopped running cold turkey, relapsed, got stuck mentally, went into treatment, changed colleges, and forgot about running. I left it behind. I wanted nothing to do with it. I felt like it was my past, something that felt and sounded bitter. But the thing is, we tend to go back to what we love. I’m at a point now where I understand and accept that it wasn’t running which left me injured, nor did it lead me to relapse. There were so many other factors involved. It was running while not taking care of myself as either an athlete or a human being. Accepting that has been groundbreaking.
As I mentioned in that post, running feels amazing lately. I swear each time I lace up my shoes and hit the road it gets better. I know that will unlikely happen forever, there will be tough runs, either physically or mentally, but the fact that I’ve consistently felt at my prime is a very big sign that I’m moving in the right direction for me. Nothing feels forced. It’s very natural. It’s almost creepy because up until a couple months ago I hadn’t been running much if at all… for years.
I recently came across a quote. It’s such a simple set of words yet it made everything clear to me. Almost if, upon reading these 9 words the entire world made sense again. That seems crazy, but realizations can be crazy.
“Self care is how you take your power back.”
Oh, hey. That makes sense. Yes, yes, yes. It’s so obvious. Those 9 words staring me right in the face like a deer in the headlights. I keep complaining that I’m not “happy” or “fulfilled”. I’m an anxious ball of energy. My mind races, circles, catastrophizes, and I move forward but not necessarily in the direction I WANT to me moving. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I miss competing. I miss my niche. I miss having that one thing that is not only my escape but my passion and drive. What differentiates me saying this a year ago from saying this now is that I realize what was missing: self care.
You can push until you can’t push anymore, but if the energy which drives the engine is negative, anxious, depressed, over-worked, stressed, and unsure deep down then the engine will only produce so much force before something breaks down. Our greatest goals cannot be forced.
If you haven’t picked up on where I’m going with this post yet it’s that I am going back to my roots. I’m going back to pursuing endurance sports, more specifically, running.
“That fitness thing: round 2”… that’ll be my next post..
“your mental health is a priority
your happiness is a priority
your self-care is a priority
your existence is a priority”